Depressed Mum's story

I am a mother of a 20 year old daughter who is in the first year of university. One day my daughter , let’s call her Chilli Padi, came up to me at breakfast and said she had something important to tell me and need my support. I was terrified. It could only meant that she became pregnant.

I always believed that she would behave herself and not fall into this trap. She is pretty, intelligent , doing well in Uni, happy go lucky kind of person. Have dreams of doing MBA in US, active in sports. She said her bf is shocked but willing to stand beside her if she wants to keep the baby. He informed his parent and they are also willingly to support them.

What am I to do? We believe in the sanctity of life. Should I let her keep the baby?

So many reasons to say no:

1. The 2 parents to be -not in position to be parent – over the next 4 years, their parents (from both side) would need to raise their child for them, apart from seeing them both through school
2. mother to be- is so naïve; can’t even keep her room tidy; her dreams.. how?
3. father to be – good boy, filial – but still in uni, very anxious, unstable – not right to pressurize him
4. Yours truly grandmother to be – suffer from depression from time to time; last thing is to look after another child, so tired from raising 3 kids of her own
5. grandfather to be – my hubby – just had another scare- recently discharged from hospital after a 5day stay in cardiac ward
6. my family finances are tight- Chilli Padi has a scholarship- she need to miss an entire semester when the baby arrives, have such high hopes for her

They are just not ready to become parents! So stupid to have unsafe sex. It is also not right for the boy to marry her; for the wrong reasons. Marriage is more than lovey dovey; it’s a commitment that entailed considerable sacrifice.

What am I to do? Arrival of grandchildren is usually greeted with joy. Alas, why such dread within me? Disappointment that Chilli padi’s future so promising can fall into this trap. Is my moral compass wrong if I want her to abort? It is so easy for others to say that abortion is wrong; ever experienced living with your dreams unfulfilled?; there is the danger of recrimination in future. Is it selfish to want the best for your children?

-- by Depressed Mum

Maya's story

Where do I begin? I am 26, I have 2 kids & have been happily married for 8 years now. I have a history of unplanned & unwanted pregnancies. I have always used some form of contraception. All of which have failed. I have fallen pregnant with an IUD, on the pill & on the injection! It is so frustrating. Unfortunately when I'm pregnant I suffer from severe morning sickness & due to that I never want to experience pregnancy AGAIN!

I have had 2 miscarriages & have since had 2 abortions. I just found out yesterday that I am pregnant again (that makes this my 7th pregnancy). The first termination was not so hard, I knew my health was at seriously at risk. But after it was done I felt so guilty & weak that I couldn't have persevered. Then the second termination ripped my world apart! I have never fully recovered from it. & now to think I may have to go through it all again! Why is it that the government won't consider me for a tubal ligation? Considering my past history with pregnancy, regardless of being 26, wouldn't I be a perfect candidate? It is so unfair, I don't have $3,000 to get it done privately.

I've already lost 3kg in the last week through morning sickness! It is horrible to have to struggle everyday to just do the normal things. Morning sickness is a curse! Medicine has failed me! Is there help for women out there like me? Is there anyone in a similar situation? I would love to get someone elses opinion and or advice. Thanks.

-- by Maya, from New Zealand

Another story

We grew up together since 1996. It was puppy love at that time. We were so fond of each other so much. However things did not work out after our 6 months together. I really liked him. To me, he is the best good guy that i ever met. I belief that I couldn't find a better guy than him.

We were together again in 27 Jan 02. We started making out after few weeks together. Its our first time holding each other hands, kissing, joke with each other. We were very close. And it was really unexpected one. We sacrificed a lot for each other. Too much to describe it. I was so in love with him. I spend every minute and seconds with him. I would do anything to be with him. Its hard to see us quarell, its hard to see me cry and sad being with him. Every couples and every of our friends envy us.

After a year, my parents talked to us to get engage. Cos we are so close and they are so worried that forbidden things might happen to us. You should know how Muslim Law is. Though we are not conservative type, we obey my parents request and he confidently agreed. He told me that he wants to be with me forever. He talked to his parents. His parents came over to discuss about our engagement and fixed the date.

19th July 05, we are officially engaged. The most happiest day in my life. He stay at my place since then. We were more closer. But then, too many things happened after we got engaged. He started to put his friends first. He would spend the nights and the time with his friends at the Coffeeshop chit chatting endlessly every night. He would come home after dawn. And he would sleep the whole day and continuing his routine again. Instead of looking for Job after finish serving NS, he wasted his time.

Once he got a job, he was back to the good guy that i Know. He left the Job to join his friends. Since then, he changed to terrible person i ever met. He got to know a few girls. And we quarell most of the time. I didnt find out yet till the day he ask for our engagement to be called off. I beg him and his parents. While begging, under depression, had a terrible breakdown, I didn't knew that I was pregnant. In the end, I gave in and let him go but still hoping for his return.

30th Sept, I went to do a Urine test at Jurong Poly. Positive, The doctor congratulate. My mind went blank. Not knowing what to do with my baby. The thoughts being pregnant and carrying my ex fiance child was so scary. Im lonely. I have been helping my gd friend and always accompay her whenever she got pregnant and go for abortion. I did the same too. I think and really think. Decided not to break my mom's heart who were there for me since I was a child. Can't bear to see her cry. That night, I went for a scan. It was 5 weeks and 3 days old. The foetos was small. Fixed an immediate appointment and went for abortion the next morning. He came but he refuse to take me back. What wrong have i commit? He kept quiet.

After a month, he came back to me. Without thinking what he did and the bad things he put me through, I accepted him back immediately. Face my parents and was ready to fight for our love. He treated me better this time. But after few months, it started again. The pain was even worse. We really quarell like no one cares. He went missing for more than 24 hours. Didn't want to contact me. Looked for him at his hanging out place, clubs and etc.. And he appear once again but packe his things and left me again. After a few days, I find out from a friend and even caught them red handed that he left me cos he slept with a friend of mine. He brought her back to his parents place. And his parents still keep it mum. They didn't do anything to it.

And in our custom, his parents have to come to my house and call off the engagement officially. But twice we broke off, twice they didnt turn up. My ex fiance really made used of me and fooled me. The sacrifices and devotion that I have towards him was uncountable. Details are not as important as my pain. I was under depression and couldn't focus my Job. My Job was at risk. My health was unstable. Nearly sent to IMH for that. Suicidal intentions.

If i were to share my story right from how we started, you will definitely cry for me. Thanks to my mom. I loved her. She was there for me during my ups n downs.

-- by Anonymous

Joey big mistake and biggest regret

It was a big mistake from the start. He was 17 years old and I was 25 years old. So much age difference but yet things happened within my control. I thought i was so much in control over the relationship but yet it happens.

We were together for about 3 months. I do not love him at all. Just pure loneliness that put me and him into an item.

With nothing in common, it was difficult to find something to do together. Going for movies and shopping is out of the point as he was not earning and he was in his first year of poly. As a guy, he felt that he needed to pay but yet can't afford, and he did not want me to pay at all so we stayed at home and make out everytime.

I missed my period and i went and bought myself a pregnancy test kit. It proved to be positive. I showed it to him. He was calmed and asked me if i wanted to keep it. If yes, then he would marry me. Am i suppose to be happy when he said that? I was sad actually.

Circumstances in my life could not make it happen. Even if i could get married, i would not want to. He was just a 17 year old kid who has not even reach the kind of mentality an adult should have. But i appreciate his thoughts and gesture of trying to do things right at that point of time.

I went to a private clinic at Toa Payoh to settle it. I told nobody about it. Not even my parents. He did not accompany me there. He had school on that day. So i went in and settle it myself. The procedure was fast and quick. I can still hear the busy bustling outside while i was getting ready.

The doctor don't even want to give me a scan of the foetus inside me. I was devastated but i accepted it as i know that i need to move on. It was the biggest regret in my life.

After the whole incident, we drifted apart and he no longer calls up again. And I made up my mind to put a stop to our so call relationship.

Till now, i feel the sense of regret. I would so much love to keep the baby. But it would hinder my career and my studies at that point of time. How selfish of me!

Regrets .... for my whole life.

-- by Joey

Ms Tan's story

I'm not a single mom. I don't have a child to qualify my story here. But I believe my story can help precaution some girls against certain guys. I hope this will show and help...

I was a naive 16year old to begin with. My parents being conservative chinese, I never got into much contact with sex(not litherally nor figuratively).

I wanted very much to have someone to care for me. Having a harsh mother and absent father, it wasn't a very fulfilling family I have. I wished for a guy to care for me. It wasn't difficult to. I'm not exactly the pits in the looks department. I just never had the chance.

He wasn't the stuff of my dreams. He just happened to be a guy who showered me with concern. It didn't take me long to accept him as boyfriend. His persistence paid off. In more ways than one.

It wasn't long into our relationship before he requested for sex. Eventually he realise he won't get it. He decided his force would settle this disagreement. His planning, I have to admit, was immaculate.

I didn't suspect what lay in store for me. He simply requested for a date at East Coast. It's a very public place. Or so I thought. To cut a long story short, he got his wish in the bushes by a underpass. He didn't bother with taking precaution or care to think of it(I was a virgin). He left me torn and trickling with his seed in me.

He called occasionally after that. Recommending pay and guys. Hounding me to open my legs again. Even though I coped at home and worry about my fertility day by day.

I was lucky of course. Still it's a scar I will never be able to stitch. It has become a wound which i rather let it rot than do anything about it. He could have caused me to be pregnant. Screw up my life. I was lucky. The rape was traumatising enough. I don't need a child to make it worse. I have all the respect for all the girls who end up with unwanted pregnancy. For whatever decision they make. I just never want to be caught in such a situation ever.

I've met a guy whom I love. He heard my story and love me even more. Its incredulous to me. But he's healing me.

-- by Ms Tan

Jenna's story

I was 18 years old when it happened and I did not love the man who caused my unwanted pregnancy.

I was nursing a heartbreak from a previous relationship and it was a very low point in my life. I couldn’t forget my ex and indulged myself in endless clubbing, drinking and flirting with other guys to numb the pain I was feeling inside. It was during this period that I hooked up with him.

It happened on a Xmas eve, after a night of drinking and smoking, I ended up at his place. Before that fateful night, I’ve been to his place before and he tried to have sex with me (abit forcefully) but I resisted because deep down I knew I didn’t love him and I didn’t want to lose my virginity to him. But I don’t know what got over me on Xmas eve, maybe it’s the immense sense of loneliness being without my ex and missing him, the effect of alcohol?

I didn’t resist his advances and slept with him. We didn’t use a condom and he lied to me that he did not ejaculate inside me. Because it was my first experience, I didn’t know how to tell if he did ejaculate inside me or not. It was the biggest regret of my life, giving my virginity so cheaply to a man I didn’t love.

He was enlisted into the army soon after Xmas. On his first book out, he called me and we ended up in bed again. A few weeks later, I heard he was caught doing drugs and locked up in camp. We lost contact then but I wasn’t sad about it at all, I just continued with my life as usual. I began to miss my period. At first, I thought nothing of it as I often have irregular menses.

It was only when I missed my period for the second month that I panicked. I bought a pregnancy test kit but the result was negative so I dismissed the thought and went on with life thinking maybe I will get my period next month. However, a month passed and still nothing came. I began to feel something kicking me in the stomach at times and began having morning sickness. Being naïve then, I still wasn’t sure if that meant I was pregnant. I couldn’t tell anyone about it at that time and I was very scared.

I bought a pregnancy test kit again and this time the result was positive. My whole heart sank when I saw the result. How can I be pregnant with the child of a man I didn’t love at all? I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want him to assume any responsibility and marry me because I don’t want to marry him.

I’m angry that he lied to me that he did not ejaculate inside me. I didn’t want the child. I know it’s harsh to say that when the child is part of me too, but at that time, having a baby is really not within my plan, especially a baby that will remind me of the big mistake I made and a baby with someone I didn’t love and didn’t want to be with. I went home with a heavy heart that day, rehearsing in my mind over and over again how to break the news to my mum.

My mum took me to the gynae after I told her what happened. She kept pressing me to tell her who’s the guy but I kept quiet. I can see that she’s very upset and I felt that I had disappointed her. I can never erase the abortion from my memory. It was so painful (physically and mentally) and depressing. I felt so weak after the operation and I felt guilty seeing my mum cooking tonics and taking care of me.

That man called me once a few months after the abortion. I was very angry to hear his voice as I felt he had been selfish to lie to me about pulling out before he ejaculate and that had made me suffer the painful consequences of that foolish night. I just told him I said some harsh words, calling him a liar but never mentioned the pregnancy to him. He hang up on me and never called ever since.

It’s been a few years since it happened. I’m happily attached in a stable relationship now (I didn’t tell my current bf about this past and I hope he’ll never know). My mother and I don’t talk about this ever since. It’s like by not talking about it, it never happened. But deep inside, I knew what happened will always remain as a scar in my heart and can never be erased just like that.

I do think about my baby sometimes and felt guilty for depriving him/her of a chance at life. As I am relating my experience, my eyes start to tear, even though I don’t think about it so much now, going through the whole experience again still hurts. It’s a wound that probably won’t ever heal completely.

-- by Jenna

Crystal's story

I knew my bf for 3 yrs but was only together since early this year... I had been through a few difficult relationships prior to this and was on the verge of swearing into spinsterhood when he came along! for him, I was his 1st gf... we had many amusing situations...

in these months,he had been very caring towards me and were actually discussing abt marriage after he came out of army... 1 thing led to another... I gave in to his request for sex thinking that it's the rite thing to do...

I neva had much sexual experience as I had stopped before things went too far (perhaps denial to sex was why my ex(s) left me...)! newbies to sex,we only practise the withdrawal method. Nothing happened for over half a year,we jus continued with our weekly sex.

But in july,while he was in hospital for a knee surgery, I found out that I was pregnant... seeing the anesthesia wear off and his face turning pale as his pain increase,I could not find the heart to let him know the news!

His family already had a cousin that had a short-gun marriage, and had also told him many times that he could not let the same thing happen!

bearing in mind that we were neither mentally or financially prepared to bring up the child,I comtemplated abortion. the biggest reason for me to abort the child was that his guardian's attitude towards suddenly turned cold on the day of his discharge... even to the extend of hostile!

if I were to really keep the child,I could not imagine how they will treat me and my baby! I do not want my child to hear remarks that he was an accident or he was a bastard child...

if I were to work extra to make ends meet, I would gladly do it even if it would be difficult! but if we were to endure sarcastic remarks, I would not permit my child to go through these...

Faced with no other choice,I went for the abortion alone!

it had been 2mths since! I am still having nightmares and weak health coz of the abortion!

That was not the end of my tribulations! his family, for some obscure and unknown reason, has been treating me as if I was invisible... it was very hurting considering the fact that I had done everything in my power to look after and take care of my bf!

My only solution now is to hope that my bf would support me through all these!

-- by Crystal