The Aftermath of the Final Meeting

Originally posted by tristefemme. Most of the personal information has been removed. Reproduced without permission.

I took urgent leave today. I am in no position to work, engage in activities that I used to do and enjoy, and meet people.

I woke up this morning with the image of LX's face so full of hatred for me and his voice so harsh and full of anger during yesterday's counselling session. I feel so scared, so depressed, so helpless, so alone in my troubles. I wish I could sleep off the problem and get on with life, pretending that he was never a part of my life. But I know that I can't, because this problem will grow bigger, literally, no matter how much I ignore it.

I had decided last week to keep the child. I think my decision was fuelled by LX's cordial behavior when we went for the ultrasound scan last Tueday. I'd thought that he had gotten over the shock and was finally able to deal with this problem somewhat responsibly. I was hoping that in addition to financial support, he could provide me with some emotional support, to participate in the development of the unborn child and be a part-time father figure to the child when he/she was born. I thought that such an arrangement, akin to that of divorced couples, would work best for the child's interest.

However, I am now having second thoughts after yesterday's session. Do I want a child whose father is so selfish, irresponsible and heartless? Whose paternal grandparents (and I had thought that the parents of two grown-up sons, they would have better sense than their son) are equally cruel? What happens if the child is a splitting image of LX? What happens if the child has birth deformities or is intellectually disabled? What happens if the child turns out to be a juvenile delinquent, a criminal? I have so much going on for me. I am not ready for motherhood. I can barely take care of myself, with my history of depression, mood swings and emotional uncertainties, let alone another human being. It will be so much harder for me to find the love of my life with a child. While LX is getting away scot free and is moving on with his life, my life will completely change and there will be no turning back once the child is born. And I don't even like kids.

It's not fair that the mother has to carry the emotional, social and much of the financial burden of bringing up the child, while the father and his family try to bury this episode, keep it from family and friends and move on with their lives, as though this episode had never happened. I am sure that in 5, maximum 10 years, LX would marry a woman he loves and bring up wanted and happy children, providing them with all the love he can give and fulfill as much of their material wants as possible, while his first child has to bear the social stigma of coming from a single parent family, and unable to enjoy much material wants, because his/her mom can barely feed herself, him/her and her elderly parents.

But, what happens if I never meet the love of my life? What happens if I am so emotionally scarred by this episode that I cannot open my heart again to the possibility of a new love? Even if I do, can he accept that I had an abortion before? I already have an infertility problem, and it is a medically known fact that abortions reduce the chances of getting pregnant in the future. What happens if this is the only child that I am meant to have in this life time and I can't have anymore? Can I live with the guilt of killing my child? Will I look at other children and wonder whether my child would be just like them if he/she had been alive?

-- by tristefemme