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Thursday, August 04, 2005

Conversation with His Ex

Originally posted by tristefemme. Most of the personal information has been removed. Reproduced without permission.

I received my first comments on this blog today from four people I don't know. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. You brought a smile to my face.

I spoke to LX's ex-gf yesterday. She had given me her number and encouraged me to call her if I wanted to talk, after I had written to her (and all his friends on his list) that I was pregnant and he wanted me to abort his child.

That happened after I broke the news to him. I know that it probably wasn't a nice thing to do. He had smsed me and suggested meeting up to talk. I could not meet up in the morning. I suggested the afternoon instead, to which he counterproposed. I found out from his ex-colleague that he was with his colleagues. I thought that the future of his unborn child is alot more important than keeping up with the appearance that all is good for the rest of the world to see. How could he get his priorities so wrong?! I told him via sms that I never expected him to be such a selfish and irresponsible coward, a wolf in sheep's clothing. His reply was, "You can call me anything you want. It doesn't matter." I was so taken aback by his extremely arrogant response that I deleted his sms immediately. I was torn between feeling very hurt and furious.

I believe that people who know me would agree that I'm usually a mild, shy and soft-spoken person. I do get frustrated and irritated at times, but I've rarely (in fact, never, if my memory serves me right) lost my temper in front of other people. During my relationship with him, I gave in to him alot, much much more than I had given in to anyone in my whole life (which is a huge thing to me, because I'm the only child and used to having my own way most of the time). I had placed him on a pedestal, which was one of the greatest mistakes I had made in my life, second only to gettting pregnant with his child.

I wanted to let his friends know exactly what kind of person he is. He is not the caring, responsible and generally nice person that I, our mutual friends who had known him since his university days, and I would think everyone else, thought he was. That he is actually nothing more than an extremely self-centered and irresponsible coward, who would kill his own child for his own selfish reasons. I stated the facts in my e-mail, told them how I felt about his actions and let them form their own conclusions. The wonders of internet technology.

I know he is pro-choice, and it is always easy to be pro-choice if it is not your own flesh and blood, not when the foetus is already formed: its head, spine, body, limbs, hands and feet are properly defined, and it has a heartbeat. It's not a mass of cells. I have never been a staunch Catholic. In fact, I'm a terrible one. My feelings are not based on the Catholic Church's stand on abortion but my basic moral values and what comes straight from my heart, my conscience. The foetus is an obviously living thing, but just because it is still developing in its mother's womb, doesn't make killing it any less wrong than killing a human being walking on Earth's surface.

I called LX's ex-gf up, firstly because I was curious about her, and secondly because I believed that she would give me a different perspective of him, compared to what everyone else had. Which she did. It was strange talking to her, because I used to be jealous of her, as she is younger to me, and I suscribe to the belief that guys like gals who are younger. She also seemed a lot more popular than me. She told me that after being with him for years, she realized what a selfish person he is, that he did things, not because he really wanted to, but because he felt it was the right thing for the bf to do for his gf, and to show the rest of the world what a wonderful bf he was. I felt better knowing that she, too, realized exactly what a selfish person he is, which was more comforting than the usual "I also never expected him to be such a person". But, dear friends who are reading this, I want to clarify that I appreciate your support very much and I'm not belittling your feelings. None of us knew that beneath the gentleman facade he had put up so successfully, he is actually a very selfish, irresponsible and immature person.

His ex-gf also shared with me that they talked about getting married when she completed her univerity studies. Even though I now know what kind of person he really is, I cannot help feeling uncomfortable, and to be really honest with myself, jealous. He went out with her for years; he went out with me for months. He had told her that he loved her (although he claimed that he regretted saying it); he never told me that he loved me. He kept all the things she had given him; He returned me almost all the gifts I had given him, as well as our couple stuff. Marriage with me was far far from his mind. I cannot help feeling used and stupid.

Since the first time we met in end September through his friend who was my ex-colleague and a good girl friend, I somehow knew that we would be more than just friends, that we would have something more significant than friendship. Even though he was quite nerdy and rather quiet during the dinner. Except I never knew exactly how significant our relationship was going to be. Not significant in the positive sense, but in a very negative and ugly sense.

I had a few relationships before and I wanted very much for us to work out, as I was tired of the whole dating game and wanted to settle down. That started me praying again almost every night for LX and I to work out. It is extremely frustrating and disheartening that not only were my prayers not answered, but things went the complete opposite direction. Despite our quarrels, his inability to commit to me and my years of cynicism, I was still hoping that one day fairy tales would come true for me.

I slept with him, because I loved him. He slept with me definitely for reasons other than love. Sexual gratification? Because sex is part and parcel of relationships today and sex is a boyfriend's right? Only he can tell. Perhaps I am a hopeless romantic, but I feel that sex should only come into the picture when there is love. I can't imagine myself being intimate with someone whom I have no feelings for, even if there is friendship, like a fuck buddy. Was he just using me for free sex? Was I no more than a prostitute, who was paid with sweet gestures, almost daily phone calls, his companionship and the occasional nice dinner? And like a postitute, I am cast aside, unwanted and unloved more than ever when I became pregnant. Not with anyone else's child, but his. I feel used and so stupid.

-- by tristefemme

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Unexpected pregnancy? Call 1-800-MUM-TO-BE (1-800-686-8623).