Jenna's story

I was 18 years old when it happened and I did not love the man who caused my unwanted pregnancy.

I was nursing a heartbreak from a previous relationship and it was a very low point in my life. I couldn’t forget my ex and indulged myself in endless clubbing, drinking and flirting with other guys to numb the pain I was feeling inside. It was during this period that I hooked up with him.

It happened on a Xmas eve, after a night of drinking and smoking, I ended up at his place. Before that fateful night, I’ve been to his place before and he tried to have sex with me (abit forcefully) but I resisted because deep down I knew I didn’t love him and I didn’t want to lose my virginity to him. But I don’t know what got over me on Xmas eve, maybe it’s the immense sense of loneliness being without my ex and missing him, the effect of alcohol?

I didn’t resist his advances and slept with him. We didn’t use a condom and he lied to me that he did not ejaculate inside me. Because it was my first experience, I didn’t know how to tell if he did ejaculate inside me or not. It was the biggest regret of my life, giving my virginity so cheaply to a man I didn’t love.

He was enlisted into the army soon after Xmas. On his first book out, he called me and we ended up in bed again. A few weeks later, I heard he was caught doing drugs and locked up in camp. We lost contact then but I wasn’t sad about it at all, I just continued with my life as usual. I began to miss my period. At first, I thought nothing of it as I often have irregular menses.

It was only when I missed my period for the second month that I panicked. I bought a pregnancy test kit but the result was negative so I dismissed the thought and went on with life thinking maybe I will get my period next month. However, a month passed and still nothing came. I began to feel something kicking me in the stomach at times and began having morning sickness. Being naïve then, I still wasn’t sure if that meant I was pregnant. I couldn’t tell anyone about it at that time and I was very scared.

I bought a pregnancy test kit again and this time the result was positive. My whole heart sank when I saw the result. How can I be pregnant with the child of a man I didn’t love at all? I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want him to assume any responsibility and marry me because I don’t want to marry him.

I’m angry that he lied to me that he did not ejaculate inside me. I didn’t want the child. I know it’s harsh to say that when the child is part of me too, but at that time, having a baby is really not within my plan, especially a baby that will remind me of the big mistake I made and a baby with someone I didn’t love and didn’t want to be with. I went home with a heavy heart that day, rehearsing in my mind over and over again how to break the news to my mum.

My mum took me to the gynae after I told her what happened. She kept pressing me to tell her who’s the guy but I kept quiet. I can see that she’s very upset and I felt that I had disappointed her. I can never erase the abortion from my memory. It was so painful (physically and mentally) and depressing. I felt so weak after the operation and I felt guilty seeing my mum cooking tonics and taking care of me.

That man called me once a few months after the abortion. I was very angry to hear his voice as I felt he had been selfish to lie to me about pulling out before he ejaculate and that had made me suffer the painful consequences of that foolish night. I just told him I said some harsh words, calling him a liar but never mentioned the pregnancy to him. He hang up on me and never called ever since.

It’s been a few years since it happened. I’m happily attached in a stable relationship now (I didn’t tell my current bf about this past and I hope he’ll never know). My mother and I don’t talk about this ever since. It’s like by not talking about it, it never happened. But deep inside, I knew what happened will always remain as a scar in my heart and can never be erased just like that.

I do think about my baby sometimes and felt guilty for depriving him/her of a chance at life. As I am relating my experience, my eyes start to tear, even though I don’t think about it so much now, going through the whole experience again still hurts. It’s a wound that probably won’t ever heal completely.

-- by Jenna